i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
