I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm both gender and math confused
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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