I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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