I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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