Old men and throwing up are my life now.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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