The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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