I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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