Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You ruined the universe
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
