I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
