Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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