he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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