Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
