I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
