Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
