Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
