By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
