if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he fucked my hip out of place.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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