They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
