so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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