Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
