mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
