I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
