There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
