I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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