Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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