Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
