My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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