sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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