I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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