mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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