Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How does it feel to date your dad?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
