Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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