You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So squirting runs in the family.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
