I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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