I accidentally had phone sex last night
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
