You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
