Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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