I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
