She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
