You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
