dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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