Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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