i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
