I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
