tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
