I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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