It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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