Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
