so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
