What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize