I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Oh god it's open bar.
And then he peed in my hair
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