I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
