So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
