Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize