I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
