nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
