seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
